How to fill the time between matches? The Mini Hoof Awards!

I’ll admit right off the bat that I’m bored at work. I’ve just read everything there is to read about the World Cup on the internet (yes, I’m on a long shift) and now I’m officially out of things to do. And considering that the second phase of group stage games isn’t over yet, I can’t give out any actual Hoof awards plus I would need El Pastor’s irreplaceable input. Instead, I’m going to go ahead and award some Mini Hoofs because this second phase so far has had much more controversy, drama and good matches than the first. And as I said, I’m bored.

First off, I have to acknowledge the pivotal role Nigeria’s Sani Kaita had on his team’s match against Greece. With his team leading 1-0 and the Greeks devoid of offensive ideas, he chose to aim a silly little kick in the direction of future goalscorer Torosidis. Soon Kaita was heading back to the dressing room with his head covered by his shirt in shame. His award? The David Beckham Self-Implosion Mini Hoof. (You can see why here.) Nigeria went on to lose 2-1, putting their further participation at the World Cup in serious jeopardy.

You won’t need to rewatch that video for why the “victim” of Kaita’s ill-advised retaliation is awarded the Diego Simeone “Ma, I’m Hurt!” Mini Hoof. Vasilis Torosidis went down as if Kaita’s studs were composed of piranha teeth, thus insuring that the referee noticed the infraction and sent Kaita off. A sad part of the cynical modern game.

I feel sorry for Harry Kewell, but I can’t help but award him the Mini World Cup Experience Mini Hoof for the 24 minutes he enjoyed on the pitch against Ghana. The poor man had only seen five minutes of action since January, and his unfortunate hand ball on the line saw him get sent off. If Australia fail to beat Serbia in their next match, a match for which Kewell is suspended, then that will be the extent of Kewell’s 2010 World Cup participation.

He’s apologized but it’s going to be hard for him to live this down. Wayne Rooney was quite unhappy that England’s fans were upset with his England “team” after their dismal showing against Algeria. He said as much to the TV cameras as he walked off the pitch, stating, “Nice to hear your home fans boo ya. That’s what loyal support is.” Yes, Wayne, and please let me show you this: your very own Worst First Touch Mini Hoof. The award comes with a free pair of football cleats. Perhaps that will help next time you proudly and passionately play football for your country. Oh wait. Pride? Passion? Football? I suppose you don’t understand those words, do you?

We don’t hear much truth in this world, or in this World Cup. But all credit to Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka for speaking his mind to his clueless French coach Raymond Domenech. During half time of his team’s awful 2-0 loss to Mexico, Domenech apparently criticized Anelka’s performance. His response? “Va te faire enculer, sale fils de pute!” As I don’t have the services of language maven Pastor, I think that means “Go fuck yourself, you dirty son of a whore!” Um, my sentiments exactly, Nicolas. I’m sure Anelka will be proudly clutching his Veritas Mini Hoof as he flies home before the rest of the team.

Competition has heated up for the Graham Poll Worst Referee Hoof. At the moment, I can only award Mini Hoofs to these two referees and perhaps some more brethren will be competing with them by the end of this phase. Our first Mini Hoof goes to Spanish referee Alberto Undiano for his quickfire bookings in the first half of the game between Germany and Serbia. At one point, I think he gave out four yellow cards in six minutes. A red card was inevitable, and the unlucky player was Miroslav Klose. The second Mini Hoof has to go to Malian referee Koman Coulibaly for disallowing a perfectly legal third US goal against Slovenia, which would have completed an amazing turnaround for the Americans who were 2-0 down at the half. It seems like Mr. Coulibaly won’t be officiating any more games at the World Cup.

I suspect this match will receive a major Hoof of some sort but for now I will award my France 2002 Inept Performance Mini Hoof to…no, not France, though I’m tempted, but to England for their match against Algeria. The criticism has been heavy and scathing, and I must admit that I agree with most of it. I don’t think I can recall a worse England international match, and they have served up some utterly shambolic performances over the years. Rubbish.

Finally, Germany have gone from the optimism of their big win against Australia to the despair of their loss against Serbia. The stand-out culprit for me was Lukas Podolski. Usually so clinical in front of goal for his country if not for his club, he failed to hit the target from several decent opportunities. Even when he did hit the target, with his penalty, it was weakly taken and the Serbian goalkeeper saved it quite easily. He can console himself with his Zombie Striker Mini Hoof, and we can all look forward to his hat-trick against Ghana.

Can I pause the news while I’m at work?

Stop it! Stop! I guess I’ll just have to risk the wrath of my boss and post because there is too much to write about and as Pastor’s been getting the jump on me consistently in the group analysis, I’ll just continue talking about the news.

The big news today for England is the loss of captain Rio Ferdinand. Although in terms of how the team will play this is not a big blow, it might be one mentally for the team (losing two captains on such short notice? Very careless!). That’s where Capello will come in and I think if anyone can be trusted to make sure this does not have too big of a mental impact, it’s him. Ferdinand didn’t have the best season, and although some of that can definitely be blamed on injuries, he did not perform to the level we are used to seeing from him even when he played. England are certainly well-covered in that position, with King, Carragher, Upson and Dawson ready to step in. And of course I am biased when I say this, but Gerrard being captain for the World Cup could be great for his performance and for the team as a whole. He’s not called “inspirational” at Liverpool for nothing.

And now we get to laugh again at Raymond Domenech as his France lost 1-0 to China. Ah, what comedic relief he will provide as his team exits in the first round! I hope his last match in charge is the one against South Africa.

The final injury news is concerning Didier Drogba, who hurt his elbow playing against Japan. Without him, that group of death suddenly looks rather alive (sorry). I doubt though that this will keep him out of the Cup and of course, Eriksson’s got a habit of taking injured players to the World Cup. Why should he change now? For the record, Ivory Coast won the game 2-0.

The only other friendly going on right now is Slovenia against New Zealand. We’re almost at half-time and the Slovenes are winning 3-1. I’ll have to tender my Group E riposte here in a little bit, Pastor, don’t go anywhere.

group A: half of the group is world champion!!

this is the most evenly matched group in my opinion, the so called, by me, group of ‘anybody can come out of it’. i wouldn’t be surprised if all four teams ended up with four points each. how is it different than the group of death? well the group of death is called so because teams have a lot of upside while trying to beat each other to qualify. this group is about teams with a lot of downside attempting to make less mistakes in order to qualify.

France
the obvious – Lloris is a masterful young goalkeeper. he has great presence and superb reflexes. having said that dumbenech will probably sit him. Ribery is obviously the best player on this team. he is the creative chaos that keeps opponents on their toes. the defense is stout and can compete with most teams at the world cup. they have had issues finding the net more than once – goals against Faroe Islands count as 1/5th. they have a strong midfield but lack attacking creativity, besides Ribery that is.
the pitfalls – the french squads of the past that performed well, or over-performed if that’s how you lean, always had a composed superstar midfielder to lean on. this squad has Ribery who instead of of being a composed volcano of creation, with occasional eruption, see Zidane, Zinedine, he is more like an earthquake destabilizing opponents and his own team at times. also there’s that small thing about not finding the net too often as a team…
the verdict – can dumbenech really be so universally disliked? yes he can! the french went from international darlings a decade ago to international villains. this team has too many problems to have any major impact at the world cup in my opinion. some people will say they are always underestimated yet find a way to come through. my response: where is Zidane when you need him?

Uruguay
the obvious – when you have world class poacher Diego Forlan on your team all you need is to keep the game close enough for him to do his magic. the unfortunate part for the competition, Uruguay lines-up another poacher, of less fame but equal efficacy, in Abreu. Caceres is a very strong versatile defender in the middle of making a name for himself.
the pitfalls – absolute inconsistency! although they are capable of some brilliant offensive football, 6-0 and 5-0 destruction of Peru and Bolivia respectively at home, they can put up stinker, a 0-1 loss and a 2-2 draw to the same Peru and Bolivia away. they remind me of man city in that they play like teenagers: one minute they’re focused and ready to perform, the next they’re all emotional and flaky.
the verdict – it’s a coin toss with this team. Forlan has the making of a golden shoe winner. their potential is very high. i believe, more than any other team, the next few friendlies will tell us the mood of a Uruguay squad that does not tend to do well on the road.

Mexico
the obvious – Ochoa is a very good and mature goalkeeper despite his young age (24). Dos Santos (21) is still coming together as a player but is still a tad immature in his game. Carlos Vela (21) is quite the talent but also in the process of maturing. Guardado (23) is an integral part of Depor in Spain, the motor/maestro on the left, and the most seasoned member of the youthenization of El-Tri. Javier Aguirre is very good at getting more out of less.
the pitfalls – it seems like the elders are still running this team. Marquez is still a presence in the middle of the defense but he is prone to lapses of judgment when frustrated, when healthy that is. they play possession football but don’t have real quality strikers. their defense is seriously lacking and will get exposed by above average attacking teams.
the verdict – Mexico’s world cup seems to be caught in the middle of a generation change. the young have not yet taken over the team and the old seem to be happy just lurking around. even after a strong showing at last year’s gold cup i doubt El-Tri has enough in them to do anything in the world cup. watch for them in the years to come though.

South Africa
disclaimer – i know little to nothing about the bafana bafana. i have nothing but the Africa cup of nations to rely on as i didn’t watch any friendly game. oh wait! they didn’t even qualify to the Africa cup of nations!!!
the obvious – they have the host country effect. they have a world champion managing them, although winning a world cup as the manager of Brazil is, well, not really an achievement.
the pitfalls – have i mentioned not qualifying to the Africa cup of nations?
the verdict – i really hope i am wrong about them. i would hate to see them go out at the group stages. on the other hand i have high hopes for them as a host country and i will say this: they will be the best host of a world cup ever, no doubt about it!

Group A: Domenech’s demise!

I know I’m being very wishful with my headline but I really want the French football authorities to realize what a mistake they made by letting Raymond Domenech continue in his role with the French national team after the disaster of Euro 2008. But, and I think this is a small but, the French, and Domenech, are still capable of pulling off a surprise just like they did in 2006 in Germany. At least this time around Domenech did not pick Patrick Vieira. He’s no loss to the team, unlike the hurt Lassana Diarra. Of course, Pastor, you know much more about this player and although a blow to the midfield, I think Domenech has ample cover in the position with Abou Diaby, Jeremy Toulalan and Alou Diarra. With players like Ribery, Henry, Gallas (who is still an injury doubt), Malouda, Evra and Anelka, France have every chance of getting out of the group. Without Gallas though, the center of defense could become an issue, especially if Boumsong plays.

Too bad they aren’t exactly in an easy group. Mexico and Uruguay are fairly similar and South Africa are playing at home, so all three teams are potential banana skins for France. The performance that I am most curious about is South Africa. Will home pride give them a positive fillip or will they succumb under the pressure of expectations? I think they are a good bet to finish second if they win the first game of the World Cup against Mexico. Pienaar is the key player for them. Mexico played well yesterday against England despite losing and recently beat fellow World Cup participants Chile in a friendly. Uruguay is probably the team I am least knowledgeable about apart from Diego Forlan (grrrr) who had another good season with Atletico Madrid. We’ll see how they do in their upcoming friendlies but I would be very surprised if they made it to the second round.

I’m not good at predictions but here goes: France will draw at least one game but should win the group, with Mexico just edging a heart-broken South Africa into second place. My heart though wants Mexico to finish first and South Africa second, with Domenech going back home early like he deserves. (Why do I hate him so much? Is it the glasses? The neglect of Trezeguet? Is it you, Pastor? Are you in my head again? Noooo!!)