How to fill the time between matches? The Mini Hoof Awards!

I’ll admit right off the bat that I’m bored at work. I’ve just read everything there is to read about the World Cup on the internet (yes, I’m on a long shift) and now I’m officially out of things to do. And considering that the second phase of group stage games isn’t over yet, I can’t give out any actual Hoof awards plus I would need El Pastor’s irreplaceable input. Instead, I’m going to go ahead and award some Mini Hoofs because this second phase so far has had much more controversy, drama and good matches than the first. And as I said, I’m bored.

First off, I have to acknowledge the pivotal role Nigeria’s Sani Kaita had on his team’s match against Greece. With his team leading 1-0 and the Greeks devoid of offensive ideas, he chose to aim a silly little kick in the direction of future goalscorer Torosidis. Soon Kaita was heading back to the dressing room with his head covered by his shirt in shame. His award? The David Beckham Self-Implosion Mini Hoof. (You can see why here.) Nigeria went on to lose 2-1, putting their further participation at the World Cup in serious jeopardy.

You won’t need to rewatch that video for why the “victim” of Kaita’s ill-advised retaliation is awarded the Diego Simeone “Ma, I’m Hurt!” Mini Hoof. Vasilis Torosidis went down as if Kaita’s studs were composed of piranha teeth, thus insuring that the referee noticed the infraction and sent Kaita off. A sad part of the cynical modern game.

I feel sorry for Harry Kewell, but I can’t help but award him the Mini World Cup Experience Mini Hoof for the 24 minutes he enjoyed on the pitch against Ghana. The poor man had only seen five minutes of action since January, and his unfortunate hand ball on the line saw him get sent off. If Australia fail to beat Serbia in their next match, a match for which Kewell is suspended, then that will be the extent of Kewell’s 2010 World Cup participation.

He’s apologized but it’s going to be hard for him to live this down. Wayne Rooney was quite unhappy that England’s fans were upset with his England “team” after their dismal showing against Algeria. He said as much to the TV cameras as he walked off the pitch, stating, “Nice to hear your home fans boo ya. That’s what loyal support is.” Yes, Wayne, and please let me show you this: your very own Worst First Touch Mini Hoof. The award comes with a free pair of football cleats. Perhaps that will help next time you proudly and passionately play football for your country. Oh wait. Pride? Passion? Football? I suppose you don’t understand those words, do you?

We don’t hear much truth in this world, or in this World Cup. But all credit to Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka for speaking his mind to his clueless French coach Raymond Domenech. During half time of his team’s awful 2-0 loss to Mexico, Domenech apparently criticized Anelka’s performance. His response? “Va te faire enculer, sale fils de pute!” As I don’t have the services of language maven Pastor, I think that means “Go fuck yourself, you dirty son of a whore!” Um, my sentiments exactly, Nicolas. I’m sure Anelka will be proudly clutching his Veritas Mini Hoof as he flies home before the rest of the team.

Competition has heated up for the Graham Poll Worst Referee Hoof. At the moment, I can only award Mini Hoofs to these two referees and perhaps some more brethren will be competing with them by the end of this phase. Our first Mini Hoof goes to Spanish referee Alberto Undiano for his quickfire bookings in the first half of the game between Germany and Serbia. At one point, I think he gave out four yellow cards in six minutes. A red card was inevitable, and the unlucky player was Miroslav Klose. The second Mini Hoof has to go to Malian referee Koman Coulibaly for disallowing a perfectly legal third US goal against Slovenia, which would have completed an amazing turnaround for the Americans who were 2-0 down at the half. It seems like Mr. Coulibaly won’t be officiating any more games at the World Cup.

I suspect this match will receive a major Hoof of some sort but for now I will award my France 2002 Inept Performance Mini Hoof to…no, not France, though I’m tempted, but to England for their match against Algeria. The criticism has been heavy and scathing, and I must admit that I agree with most of it. I don’t think I can recall a worse England international match, and they have served up some utterly shambolic performances over the years. Rubbish.

Finally, Germany have gone from the optimism of their big win against Australia to the despair of their loss against Serbia. The stand-out culprit for me was Lukas Podolski. Usually so clinical in front of goal for his country if not for his club, he failed to hit the target from several decent opportunities. Even when he did hit the target, with his penalty, it was weakly taken and the Serbian goalkeeper saved it quite easily. He can console himself with his Zombie Striker Mini Hoof, and we can all look forward to his hat-trick against Ghana.

Match 19: Greece vs Nigeria

I’m late starting. Jumping right in:

16th minute: Is that the first free kick goal? Kind of, although I think Uche meant it as a cross and it bounces once before going in. Goalkeeper nowhere near it. Down with Greece! 1-0 Nigeria.

33rd minute: What idiocy even if the Greek player made a meal of it. Sani Kaita kicks out after a little tussle on the touchline and makes mild contact, Torosidis goes down and the referee has the red out. Nigeria up against it but still ahead by a goal. Greece send on Samaras for a defender as they chase the game.

44th minute: Nigeria can’t hold on. After two attempts cleared off the line, Greece finally score their first-ever World Cup goal via a deflection. It’s Salpigidis with the strike that deflects off Haruna. Sani Kaita’s sending off has completely changed this game.

Half-time: It’s a poor quality game but there has been drama. Kaita is an utter imbecile for that sending off, and that led to sustained Greek pressure that eventually resulted in a goal. This is a disaster for a Nigerian team that should be winning this.

2nd half: Can Nigeria hold on or even score?

59th minute: Good lord. Terrible header from Yobo and Gerkas almost score. Great save and then Nigeria are away on the counter, three against two, Yakubu shot, save, and then the gaping goal missed by Obasi. Nigeria should be ahead. I’m breathless.

72nd minute: Greece again. Enyeama has been amazing, saving twice but a long ball comes in and he can’t hold on to it. Torosidis with the rebound. Yobo, lying prone on the ground after a collision as the corner came in, plays Torosidis onside. Nigeria have no luck and it looks all over for them.

80th minute: With 10 minutes to go, the luck just isn’t with Nigeria. They’ve lost two left backs to injury already, necessitating substitutions. They are sitting back and still inviting the Greeks on to them even though they badly need a goal. Enyeama is forced into another save from a long range ball. Living very dangerously, Nigeria.

86th minute: The Man-of-the-Match Hoof goes to Sani Kaita for his undoubted influence on this game. Imbecile.

Full-time: 2-1 to Greece. Shit on them. Nigeria still have a small chance if they beat South Korea by a few goals and the Argentina vs Greece result goes their way. Still, this is a big blow for them, and the impact of injuries, suspensions and the psychological pressure could be just a bit too much for this team. They had a build-up to the World Cup roiled with bad luck and it’s just continued.