How to fill the time between matches? The Mini Hoof Awards!

I’ll admit right off the bat that I’m bored at work. I’ve just read everything there is to read about the World Cup on the internet (yes, I’m on a long shift) and now I’m officially out of things to do. And considering that the second phase of group stage games isn’t over yet, I can’t give out any actual Hoof awards plus I would need El Pastor’s irreplaceable input. Instead, I’m going to go ahead and award some Mini Hoofs because this second phase so far has had much more controversy, drama and good matches than the first. And as I said, I’m bored.

First off, I have to acknowledge the pivotal role Nigeria’s Sani Kaita had on his team’s match against Greece. With his team leading 1-0 and the Greeks devoid of offensive ideas, he chose to aim a silly little kick in the direction of future goalscorer Torosidis. Soon Kaita was heading back to the dressing room with his head covered by his shirt in shame. His award? The David Beckham Self-Implosion Mini Hoof. (You can see why here.) Nigeria went on to lose 2-1, putting their further participation at the World Cup in serious jeopardy.

You won’t need to rewatch that video for why the “victim” of Kaita’s ill-advised retaliation is awarded the Diego Simeone “Ma, I’m Hurt!” Mini Hoof. Vasilis Torosidis went down as if Kaita’s studs were composed of piranha teeth, thus insuring that the referee noticed the infraction and sent Kaita off. A sad part of the cynical modern game.

I feel sorry for Harry Kewell, but I can’t help but award him the Mini World Cup Experience Mini Hoof for the 24 minutes he enjoyed on the pitch against Ghana. The poor man had only seen five minutes of action since January, and his unfortunate hand ball on the line saw him get sent off. If Australia fail to beat Serbia in their next match, a match for which Kewell is suspended, then that will be the extent of Kewell’s 2010 World Cup participation.

He’s apologized but it’s going to be hard for him to live this down. Wayne Rooney was quite unhappy that England’s fans were upset with his England “team” after their dismal showing against Algeria. He said as much to the TV cameras as he walked off the pitch, stating, “Nice to hear your home fans boo ya. That’s what loyal support is.” Yes, Wayne, and please let me show you this: your very own Worst First Touch Mini Hoof. The award comes with a free pair of football cleats. Perhaps that will help next time you proudly and passionately play football for your country. Oh wait. Pride? Passion? Football? I suppose you don’t understand those words, do you?

We don’t hear much truth in this world, or in this World Cup. But all credit to Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka for speaking his mind to his clueless French coach Raymond Domenech. During half time of his team’s awful 2-0 loss to Mexico, Domenech apparently criticized Anelka’s performance. His response? “Va te faire enculer, sale fils de pute!” As I don’t have the services of language maven Pastor, I think that means “Go fuck yourself, you dirty son of a whore!” Um, my sentiments exactly, Nicolas. I’m sure Anelka will be proudly clutching his Veritas Mini Hoof as he flies home before the rest of the team.

Competition has heated up for the Graham Poll Worst Referee Hoof. At the moment, I can only award Mini Hoofs to these two referees and perhaps some more brethren will be competing with them by the end of this phase. Our first Mini Hoof goes to Spanish referee Alberto Undiano for his quickfire bookings in the first half of the game between Germany and Serbia. At one point, I think he gave out four yellow cards in six minutes. A red card was inevitable, and the unlucky player was Miroslav Klose. The second Mini Hoof has to go to Malian referee Koman Coulibaly for disallowing a perfectly legal third US goal against Slovenia, which would have completed an amazing turnaround for the Americans who were 2-0 down at the half. It seems like Mr. Coulibaly won’t be officiating any more games at the World Cup.

I suspect this match will receive a major Hoof of some sort but for now I will award my France 2002 Inept Performance Mini Hoof to…no, not France, though I’m tempted, but to England for their match against Algeria. The criticism has been heavy and scathing, and I must admit that I agree with most of it. I don’t think I can recall a worse England international match, and they have served up some utterly shambolic performances over the years. Rubbish.

Finally, Germany have gone from the optimism of their big win against Australia to the despair of their loss against Serbia. The stand-out culprit for me was Lukas Podolski. Usually so clinical in front of goal for his country if not for his club, he failed to hit the target from several decent opportunities. Even when he did hit the target, with his penalty, it was weakly taken and the Serbian goalkeeper saved it quite easily. He can console himself with his Zombie Striker Mini Hoof, and we can all look forward to his hat-trick against Ghana.

Capello’s coterie

The big news today (at least in the English press) is Theo Walcott’s exclusion from Fabio Capello’s World Cup squad. I still think he’s probably a better impact substitute than Shaun Wright-Phillips (Aaron Lennon seems to have claimed the starting right midfield berth) but Capello has gone for the experience of Wright-Phillips and probably his habit of scoring goals in an England shirt. Capello also went for experience in picking Joe Cole over Adam Johnson for a possible left-midfield berth or, more likely, coming off the bench. Cole was one of the few players to acquit himself in the friendly against Japan and has played his way into the team. The same cannot be said for Tom Huddlestone, who was part of a horrible first half against Japan and lost his place to Michael Carrick, who isn’t much better in my mind but does have more big-game experience in his time with Man Poo. He isn’t too likely to feature if Gareth Barry recovers from his ankle injury, as is expected. It is a little disappointing that just like in the last two World Cups, there is an injured English player going to the World Cup even if Barry isn’t in the same talismanic league as Beckham in 2002 or Rooney in 2006.

The best names on a final World Cup squad probably belong to the hosts South Africa. It would have been even more awesome if Innocent Mdedle had made the squad. Will South Africa have a tragic first round as indicated by the inclusion of MacBeth [Sibaya]? Or will they spring a Surprise [Moriri] and win their group, caning France and Mexico along the way like they did Guatemala yesterday? More seriously, all-time top scorer Benni McCarthy has been left out of the squad, probably because he’s fat.

In other friendly news (yes, I gave up the friendly puns, aren’t you happy, Pastor?), Australia beat Denmark 1-0 earlier today and in about an hour, Cameroon take on Portugal and the Netherlands play Ghana. Both matches actually look like they could be interesting contests, even if they are warm-up games. I am especially curious to see how the African teams progress. I really want an African team in the semifinals; Cameroon look the strongest at the moment. (I’m unceremoniously abandoning the Algerians, they should have never trusted me.) Also curious to see if the portents of doom regarding Portugal are justified.

I never thought I’d say this, but Pastor I miss you. Come back and make me feel stupid again. It is my lot in life, and I am learning to accept it.