The second phase of group matches is now over and my Excel spreadsheet has generated some odd matchups for the Round of 16. Japan vs Paraguay, anyone? I doubt that will remain the same. Tomorrow we start the overload of football that is the final phase of group matches, with two simultaneous games per group, four matches per day. I’m ready. And I’m also ready, as I’m sure everyone is, for another batch of Hoof Awards. I already spoke out of turn and handed out some Mini Hoofs earlier, but this is the real deal now.
My word, what a joke the French team has devolved into. Nicolas Anelka’s choice words to his coach Raymond Domenech have already garnered him a Mini Hoof. Things got further out of hand when the team refused to train the next day in protest at Anelka’s dismissal, and handed a written statement which was bizarrely read out to the press by Domenech. The coach has completely lost his team, the team has completely lost any sense of why they are at the World Cup, and it’s all a disaster. The joke on us? That with a win tomorrow against South Africa and a win for either Mexico or Uruguay in their match, France could still qualify for the second round. But I will say that I feel very confident in my prediction of a 2-0 win for South Africa. France can then go home and the only thing they will have to show for their puny efforts at this World Cup will be the Fils de Pute Hoof award, named after Domenech.
Our next award is named for the Greece team that won the European Championship of 2004. Not renowned for their attacking play, Greece defended their way to the title. In the first phase, the winner was Switzerland for their 1-0 win against Spain and in this round, the Euro 2004 Greece Hoof goes to New Zealand for their dogged, determined and at time desperate defensive display against Italy in their 1-1 draw. I usually do not admire this but all credit to New Zealand who played with a defiance and heart missing from many of the big teams (I’m looking at you, England and France).
Speaking of England, if France had not imploded like they have done, the biggest farce might well have been the coup d’tat attempt John Terry led against coach Fabio Capello. First with a press conference and then later in a meeting, former captain Terry apparently tried to force through a change of tactics as well as the inclusion of soon-to-be-former Chelsea teammate Joe Cole in the starting lineup. Anyone could have told him that such behaviour would never fly with disciplinarian Capello. At least him and his England colleagues can console themselves with an upgrade from Mini Hoof to the France 2002 Inept Performance Hoof for their match against Algeria.
In the first phase, I could not find an outright winner for the Graham Poll Worst Referee Hoof award. But in this phase, competition is almost too fierce. Everyone seems to be getting in on the act: Spanish referee Alberto Undiano for his flurry of first half yellow cards and a red for Miroslav Klose in the Germany/Serbia match, Malian referee Koman Coulibaly for disallowing a perfectly good US goal in the USA/Slovenia match, Saudi referee Khalil Al Ghamdi with his card-happy ways (9 yellows, 1 red) in the Switzerland/Chile game. But the winner for me has to be French referee Stephane Lannoy who officiated Brazil vs Ivory Coast. His first mistake was in not noticing Luis Fabiano touching the ball twice with his arm before scoring Brazil’s second goal. I’m not sure why he didn’t blow his whistle if he had seen it because a replay showed the referee, with a big grin on his face, asking Luis Fabiano whether he had handled the ball. Fabiano naturally admitted the action and asked the referee to cancel the goal. Of course, I make the joke, as Pastor would say. Later on in the game, Mr. Lannoy sent off Kaka for a second yellow card after Seydou Keita had gone down clutching his face after the mildest of collisions with Kaka. The referee could not have seen it but he sent Kaka off anyway. Terrible officiating. For his role, Keita picks up the Academy Award Hoof for his playacting.
The Saudi Arabia 2002 Hoof for worst performance in this phase goes to North Korea. Pastor thought they’d be whipping boys for this World Cup and although there were initial doubts when they only lost 2-1 to the mighty Brazilians, Portugal completely exposed the North Koreans with a blistering six-goal second half performance earlier today. The final score was 7-0, and I’m sure they’ll be keeping this Hoof till the end of the tournament. Portugal’s performance also means that they pick up the Fickle Fan’s World Champion Hoof award, fighting off competition from Argentina (4-1 over South Korea) and Uruguay (3-0 over South Africa).
David James unfortunately has not claimed the award named after him just yet, but I’m sure he’ll have a chance in Wednesday’s must-win match against Slovenia. In the meantime, the David “Calamity” James Hoof award for worst goalkeeping error goes to Vincent Enyeama of Nigeria for the second goal by Greece. Nigeria’s match was already in tatters after Sani Kaita’s needless sending off and Enyeama, so defiant against Lionel Messi, managed to knock a soft shot into the path of Torosidis who tapped in to give Greece a 2-1 win.
He already has a Mini Hoof but Wayne Rooney deserves more from his “loyal support”. For his worthless performance against Algeria, he can also now take home the Luca Toni Zombie Striker Hoof. Enjoy it, son, you deserve it.
Speaking of Italian strikers, we need an INZAGHI Hoof winner for the most opportunistic goal of this second phase. Let me consult my notes. Oh yes, it has to be this one. Lionel Messi might be the one lighting up the World Cup and carving open defenses, but it’s Gonzalo Higuain who has the goals. All three of his goals had a bit of that INZAGHI flavour, but it has to be his second. Messi shoots twice, once it is saved, once it hits the post and then Higuain just taps in the rebound on the way to his hat trick. Filippo would be proud.
It’s my turn to take the Eat-Your-Words Hoof. I really thought that the USA vs Slovenia was going to be a borefest but I was pleasantly surprised by the most exciting game I’ve witnessed so far (helped of course by the big, excitable crowd around me). Great stuff.
Finally, I’d like to award a Most Dedicated Fan Hoof to none other than my sibling Small Bee for her watching matches by herself in English pubs full of old men. Nice. Hope they weren’t angrily shaking their canes at the television after England/Algeria!
The Dark Horses 